When Mom isn't Comfortable with Move to Stay-at-Home Dad Role

Of all the things to work through while deciding whether or not to become a stay-at-home dad, neglecting your wife’s feelings shouldn’t be near the top of the list. Make that no where near the list. It can be a tough move on her, maybe even tougher than it is for dad.

There are any number of reasons for this, including the pressure of financially providing for the family, the guilt of not being around the children as much or maybe she would rather be the one staying home.

These are all issues that have to be worked through before coming to a concrete decision and they should be constantly addressed even after dad has put on the primary caregiver shoes. The stay-at-home dad’s better half needs to be at least as comfortable as he is, and offer full support, when taking the plunge into the new duty.

Traditional Roles

As tough as it is for a stay-at-home dad to adjust to the new breadwinner role, it is also stressful for his wife. And it goes beyond simply making money. Where the SAHD may see it in terms of dollars, his wife might be looking at it in terms of child rearing.

She has probably been conditioned that she should care for the kids, and guilt could set in when she isn’t the one providing a good deal of that care. It is also possible, even if she has better job prospects, that she want to be the one who stays home.

On top of that, all of the questions, comments and stereotypes the SAHD has to deal with by handing over breadwinner roles, she also has to face them from her point of view.

If the two parents can’t get on the same page and start to handle this issue early on, it could be tough to move forward. Resentment is certainly not an emotion that should be thrown into the mix.

Do what it takes to make sure you both are comfortable with dad staying home. Talk often, reassure and support each other. Make plans and routines. Get on common ground regarding discipline and other parenting issues. And make sure you both are equally involved in these decisions.

Ultimately, the final conclusion has to be that mom is no less of a mom because she works and dad is no less of a man, or provider, because he is caring for his family.

Transitional Ups and Downs

Just like starting any new job, there are going to be a range of emotions and an adjustment period. There are going to be good days and bad days for all parties involved.

Don’t throw in the towel just because there are some doubts and uncertainties at first. Likewise, failure isn’t imminent if things don’t go well right out of the gate.

Expect it to take time for everyone to get comfortable in the role. Roll with the punches and learn from them. Come up with your own routine and your own style of living and the transition will be smoother.

If possible, you can even do a dry run after her maternity leave is over by taking advantage of options like the Family and Medical Leave Act, which allows up to 12 weeks off work to care for the family. Use that time off to see how well both parents handle dad staying with the kids and if this idea will work out. That would also lead to a smoother transition.

More than likely your wife will feel better about the set up as time goes by. In a year, it may even seem silly that this was at one time a concern.

Don’t Do It

If neither of you can get comfortable with the thought of being a stay-at-home dad family, then it might not be the best idea to go that route.

The stresses that could develop from one parent not accepting the role are worse than the benefits of having a parent home. Support is necessary on all levels to make it work and an unhappy caregiver or breadwinner could prove to be inefficient and even harmful. Losing a job or unhealthy and unhappy kids probably isn’t what you had in mind heading into this.

If she would rather be at home, flip who takes on that role. If mom can’t accept the situation, have both parents continue to work and use childcare. And most of all make sure the whole family benefits from whatever choice is made.